Being a mommy. At least what it means to me.
Its a 24/7 life choice. I am intentionally not calling it a job. To me a job is something you do for a specific goal, and its not always something you like or even want to be doing. I'll be honest here, I don't always like the work I do with my kids. I do not look forward to being woke up in middle of the night to a sick child, or being pee'd on, or yelled at. But I do love my role as Mommy. When my littles are sick, its Mommy who can make it better. When I get pee'd on, its Mommy who knows where the clean clothes and bedding are. When they yell at me, its Mommy who knows why they are upset.
I choose to become a Mommy. Whether its something you have done intentionally or unintentionally, it was still a CHOICE. And its for Life. There we have Motherhood is a Life Choice. But the point of writing this is not to explain the difference between a job and a life choice. Its to point out what motherhood means to me.
The moment the Clear Blue Easy Digital said pregnant, I became a mommy. I started dreaming about my little boy, asking God that he have my nose and his daddy's curls. This is also when the worry set in. Am I going to be good enough? Can I do it?
Yes. And No. To my little boys, I will always be good enough. I am the only mommy they have or will ever know. To myself, I will never be good enough. There will always be some other mom that I am comparing myself too. They have time (what an elusive thing) to make everything from scratch, they have the money (another fleeting thing) to do things (are things really that important?) and they have the energy to have lots of kids! Can I do it? Of course I can. But what is it I am trying to do?
My first son had a very traumatic (on me) birth. Emotionally I struggled for months after he was born. And not PPD (postpartum depression) or anything like that. Just his birth was not what I had expected for my first child. That being said, I can remember being in the hospital with him. He was crying like all newborns do. My mother was looking at me. I picked him up and cuddled him. There was not a single part of me that was stressed over his crying. Even though I only had about 8 hours of sleep in 3 days. I turned to my mother and said "He's just a little baby. He doesn't know any better. Its my job to make him feel better." My mom has said it was in that moment she knew I would be a GREAT mother.
Am I trying to live up to the unspoken expectations she has set forth? Not really. Because I do know, deep down that I am a good mom. My boys love me like no other.
So even on the days where the house is trashed, we eat over processed craptastic food, stay in our pjs all day, do nothing but watch movies, I know that I am being the Mommy my boys want me to be.
It is the little hiccups in their life that they will remember with happiest memories years from now. I don't really sit and reminisce about how perfect my parents were... I laugh about the bat that got into my house because we left the door open during one of our big bonfires. I laugh about the silly dance and song my mom did in the kitchen. I remember the stupid songs in the car on road trips, the fail of homemade donuts that our dog wouldn't even chew on, and watching General Hospital with Mom after school. Your kids will not dwell on the house being a mess or dinner not being from scratch. They won't even dwell on you yelling when you get frustrated (my mom was a good yeller but I rarely even think about that). They're going to remember the flat tires and how you responded to them (LAUGH) and the burnt dinner and how you fixed that potential mess. You and Jesse are their heroes and not because you're perfect but because you're you :) Laugh it off. That's what I remember and admire my parents for the most.
ReplyDelete