Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Technology is the killer of relationships

Or at least it can be.

Both my husband and I have smart phones. He has had a blackberry since Jan 2010, and I have had one since Jan 2011. These phones are not top of the line by any means. But they are pretty cool. Although I do still use mine mostly for calls and texting.

Since getting these phones I have noticed us growing more and more distant. When the Husband and I were first dating and then living together we didn't have smart phones. Or cable, or internet. We had what the antenna would give us and Netflix. And we had to hope that our Netflix list was in good order, otherwise, who knew what we would get. Jesse works 40+ hours at one job and then another 15-25 hours at another. So when he was coming home, he would just sit on the couch and sit on his phone. I was not much better. Assuming (making an ass out of u and me) that he was busy and didn't want to spend time with me, I would go sit on the computer. This eventually caused me more problems than just my relationship with my husband.

Over the weekend we had it out. I hate fighting in the first place. I was already stressed over other things and then fighting with my Husband did not make it any better. We got out all of our frustrations. I have been feeling like when he is home, he doesn't want to be around us. I have been slacking on my job. The computer and facebook ended up consuming my entire morning a few days back. It did nothing but cause me grief on many fronts.

So we have come to a compromise and I think it is harder on me than it is on him. I am a social person. I need people to talk to, to interact with. But when it comes down to it, I need quality people and not a quantity. My time needs to be spent raising my boys and cultivating the relationships that really matter to me and not just ones I feel desperate to keep. Our compromise is that when we are home together, we are together. No phones, no computer. We will not just sit in front of the tv with the kids. Now after they go to bed, we do sit and watch Mad Men on netflix. Yet even then, we do not have our phones out paying more attention to them than we are to each other.

Also, for various reasons, Jess has been sleeping on the couch. That has ended as well. We are trying to build up our intimacy again. After reading this post and this one from the blog To Love Honor and Vacuum, I realized that there are things *I* can change to make our relationship better. And that I have been doing things to hurt our marriage rather than help it.

So if you don't see me around much, this is why.


  1. I just want to tell you that I love you and Kudos for taking a step back and reconnecting with your husband and family. Being in a marriage means you get the chance to falling in love over and over again with the same person , it takes work , time and dedication. All of which make for hard work but the pay off is priceless. I wish you love , happiness and compassion in this journey to make your family stronger ! Muahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh luv ya girly !!!!!

  2. You are wonderful for doing this!! I can't tell you how many times I've reached over and shut Jay's laptop because I need attention. Your idea is very cool. I couldn't do it every time... because Jay is now home every night and sometimes, I really need my chats with you chickies. But, I am definitely going to ask him about certain "tech free" nights!

  3. Thank you E. And if he was home every night, I couldn't do it either. But he is only home Monday and Tuesday nights, and Sunday and Monday during the day. So its not bad, but SO important. We have already seen an improvement.