Saturday, October 29, 2011

Weightloss Goals

I was going to make this both about my goals and short comings but changed my mind. That will have to be its own post.

  • Weigh ins will occur on Wednesdays
  • Watch what I eat and do so by tracking on MFP (issyamerica)
  • 10 min pilates ab workout; daily
  • Wii Fit Plus and/or Smurfs dance
  • GW1 - 179
  • GW2 - 174
  • GW3 - 169 *this is the one I would like to hit before Christmas
  • GW4 - 164
  • GW5 - 159
  • GW6 - 154 *we will see how I feel when we hit this one
I think its important to know why I am doing this. I was heavy in high school. Heavy for me at least. When I get my printer hooked up I will upload a picture from my graduation. Ugh. And then I went to girl scout camp and with eating right and walking everywhere, I lost a bunch. But my self image still sucked. I couldn't see what others saw. That I was no longer the overweight, geeky girl trying not to be noticed. I want to put on a pair of pants and not have to worry about a muffin top. I want to ENJOY shopping for pants. Right now, I loath it. In a major way.

Maybe I ate too much because I was always told how skinny I was. Or I stopped loving myself and food would love me. Whatever it was, that is no longer me.

I will
I will resist temptation
I will teach my boys to eat healthy by example
I will take time for me and exercise
I will lose15 by Christmas
I will love ME and not food

Friday, October 28, 2011

Wii Love

I am in love with my Wii. Silly, I know.

First we bought an xbox 360 with kinect. Which I like. I enjoy playing and felt like I got a good workout in.

See, workouts and I do NOT get along. I hate them. No, I don't really believe that. Too many times being forced to do things I did not want to do has made me think that I hate them. But I don't, not really. I love to run. Have a hard time finding the time to do so with my husband's work schedule and the fact that 1) I don't like to wake up early and 2) it gets cold about the middle to end of September. So you either run when its really hot, or really cold. I love racquetball. But (you knew it was coming) I can't make it to a gym with two kids to play. And if I could ONLY take it as a class at the local college, I would. Believe me, I would. *note to self, look into that*

Which brings us to the purchase of the Wii. We returned the 360 and spent the money instead on a Wii. We've had it three days and I have used it 2 out of 3. Tonight I tried boxing. I would like to blame thank Jillian Michaels for this new found love. Its a great workout. Between step aerobics and boxing I got about 38 mins of exercise in. Wow. I feel good about that. Its more than I expected to do and it really was enjoyable.

Maybe tomorrow I will actually manage to get up before both boys and get my workout in, rather than having to wait until they are both asleep.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Exercise in Willpower

Haha! Willpower. Webster's dictionary describes this as "energetic determination". I'm determined. But I don't think in the way Webster's thinks.

I seem more determined to screw up rather than succeed. OMG! Yeah, click on that to get the recipe for this. Its in my oven right now. Sheesh.

15 by Christmas

My best friend over at Hide the Cupcakes has set out a challenge. Lose 15 pounds by Christmas. Seems like a daunting task. But there are what 8 weeks or something until Christmas? So what, 2 pounds a week? I can do that. Or at least, I think I can.

There was a point in my adult life when I was about a 5/6 or 7/8 and right around 145 pounds. I loved myself then! But it took a lot of hard work. I lived on the third floor of my dorm (which was the highest it went) and took the stairs unless I had laundry. I played racquetball 4 days a week. I ate healthier.

Speaking of eating, I know that I can not give up the foods I love. But instead I just need to develop some will power. Just because its in the house, does not mean I have to eat ALL of it. This has been a struggle for me my whole life. Isn't the first step acknowledging there is a problem? Well there is. I love food. Specifically if its something *I* have baked myself.

Things I will be doing to achieve this goal:
  1. Tracking what I eat on My Fitness Pal (username is issyamerica), please feel free to comment on it and let me know when I am doing well or not so well. *
  2. Use the Wii we just bought to either do Wii Fit Plus or (don't laugh) the Smurfs dance party
  3. I will also do a 10 min pliates ab workout. This is more to tone up my core and get back the muscles that were cut from end to end.
*disclaimer - I am still nursing so can not truly diet. But its going to be the difference between eating good foods and yummy, creamy not so good for you foods.

Both pictures are pre-kids. First one is my 23rd birthday. I got pregnant and month later. The second one is from the summer of 2007 before I met Jesse. In both of these pictures I am probably around 155 or so. Realistically I don't expect to be where I was before kids. My hips are bigger as with other parts. But there is no reason that I need to carry around this extra weight. I want to look and FEEL sexy again. So, whats stopping you?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Technology is the killer of relationships

Or at least it can be.

Both my husband and I have smart phones. He has had a blackberry since Jan 2010, and I have had one since Jan 2011. These phones are not top of the line by any means. But they are pretty cool. Although I do still use mine mostly for calls and texting.

Since getting these phones I have noticed us growing more and more distant. When the Husband and I were first dating and then living together we didn't have smart phones. Or cable, or internet. We had what the antenna would give us and Netflix. And we had to hope that our Netflix list was in good order, otherwise, who knew what we would get. Jesse works 40+ hours at one job and then another 15-25 hours at another. So when he was coming home, he would just sit on the couch and sit on his phone. I was not much better. Assuming (making an ass out of u and me) that he was busy and didn't want to spend time with me, I would go sit on the computer. This eventually caused me more problems than just my relationship with my husband.

Over the weekend we had it out. I hate fighting in the first place. I was already stressed over other things and then fighting with my Husband did not make it any better. We got out all of our frustrations. I have been feeling like when he is home, he doesn't want to be around us. I have been slacking on my job. The computer and facebook ended up consuming my entire morning a few days back. It did nothing but cause me grief on many fronts.

So we have come to a compromise and I think it is harder on me than it is on him. I am a social person. I need people to talk to, to interact with. But when it comes down to it, I need quality people and not a quantity. My time needs to be spent raising my boys and cultivating the relationships that really matter to me and not just ones I feel desperate to keep. Our compromise is that when we are home together, we are together. No phones, no computer. We will not just sit in front of the tv with the kids. Now after they go to bed, we do sit and watch Mad Men on netflix. Yet even then, we do not have our phones out paying more attention to them than we are to each other.

Also, for various reasons, Jess has been sleeping on the couch. That has ended as well. We are trying to build up our intimacy again. After reading this post and this one from the blog To Love Honor and Vacuum, I realized that there are things *I* can change to make our relationship better. And that I have been doing things to hurt our marriage rather than help it.

So if you don't see me around much, this is why.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Hodge Podge

For the last three or four days I have sat down to write a blog post. And I get about halfway through and then stop. So here is what I have.

What do Penguins say?
The inquisitive mind of an almost 3 year old. And this one stumped me. Most of the time I can figure out something to say. But to answer, What do penguins say? I have no idea. So we googled it.

And you know what a penguin says? Exactly. Google doesn't either! At least as far as I could see. Well they squeak, but is that really a saying? A pig says "oink", a cow says "moo", a lion "ROARS". But a penguin?

Drinking in the corner
That is going to be me one of these days. I will also be the one sucking my thumb and rocking back and forth.

This is all about sleep. My pregnancy with Levi not only messed up my body, but it screwed up my older son's sleep pattern. I was tired. Not your run of the mill pregnancy tired, but like if I didn't nap then I got sick or dizzy. Also, for the first trimester, I worked. Jacob has always been a good sleeper. Before I went and got knocked up again, he was an 8-8 kind of kid.

Heaven is Beautiful

This is not going to be an easy post. You should know that now, so you can stop reading.

Early this morning, Heaven gained another beautiful angel. Why? We may never know. Someone I know who has offered me support and a listening ear when I needed it, gave birth to a beautiful little boy. He was so wonderful that God just couldn't part with him. This family now has their own very special angel in Heaven. This however does not make their loss any easier to bear (bare.. whatever).

I am selfish. More so than I wish I was. Jess and I tried to add another child to our family for several months. I pretty much had given up and was ok (not really) with just having one child. Then just a few days before Thanksgiving I pee'd on that magical stick and it came back with PREGNANT! I promised to wait and tell my parents on Thanksgiving day. Although I cheated and told my mom the next morning. I was over the moon excited! This was something we wanted and something we thought we had planned for.

Then my grandfather got sick. The day after Thanksgiving (anyone want to guess if Thanksgiving is going to be bittersweet this year?) he landed himself in the hospital. Ok.. he's elderly, these things happen. Just a few short days later he is so bad off, the family asked my mom to come down. She was told that she may not make it before he passes. 8 hours away and its the beginning of December. Mom gets there and Poppy is still hanging on. At this point Jess and I have decided that he would use his week of vacation (the same vacation he was saving to take off when the baby was born) and we all would fly down there. If not for a funeral (depressing) then at least to say our last good byes.

We flew down on a Sunday. Got to the hospital and spent three hours there. I held my Poppy's hand and told him that we were having another baby. It was just my mom, my Aunt, a cousin and myself at the hospital. My dad had taken Jess and the Big One back to my Poppy's house where we were going to be staying. 20 mins after my mom and I got back to the house, my Aunt called to let us know Poppy had passed. I was SO close to him. And even almost a year later, my heart still breaks at the loss. The funeral was held on Jacob's 2nd birthday.

I don't know if it was right after this that I started slipping into a depression or just a little bit later. My Poppy had just passed, it cost us a small fortune.

Give me that needy baby
Levi is needy. More so than Jacob. But I'll take it.

Why God? Why?
My faith is being tested right now. And nothing has happened directly to me.

With both of my boys, I sought out a group of other ladies across the country who are pregnant and due at the same time. I love getting the extra advice, the comforting ear, the shoulder to lean on. Just yesterday, one of the gals who also had her first when I had Jacob, gave birth to a beautiful little boy. Their first boy. God however, had other plans. He was born sleeping. I can't even begin to express how hard my heart aches for their family.

Now lets make it more heartbreaking. Early on in her pregnancy her husband got sick. Really sick. They found out he had a brain tumor and cancer. He then underwent brain surgery. As one can imagine, the road to recovery has been rough.

Sunday, October 16, 2011


The big one is sick. Has been for a week. I feel for him. I really do. Today has been the worst of it so far. I got him up, had him go wake up Jess who was asleep on the couch. Gets daddy up and they are sitting there cuddling. Jacob starts to cough and then the next thing you know, he throws up. :(

Off to bath we whisk him. More snot is just pouring out. After a nice bath, he gets to hang out in there while we run the hot shower. Sucker out his nose since he is refusing to blow.

Unlike other parents, when my kid has a snotty green nose, a cough and is sneezing, we don't go anywhere. Pretty sure he picked this lovely bug up a week ago when a friend and I took the kids to the McDonald's play place. Which is a germ factory anyway, but we usually do okay. Not this time. Jacob was not the only one to get sick. Levi has had it too. However, thanks to breastfeeding him, its not been too bad.

Back to the other parents. When your kid has a fever, a green runny nose, a cough or sneezing (unless you are 110% sure the sneezing and a clear runny nose are allergies) keep them HOME! I do not need my kid sharing the germs with myself or my new baby. We can not afford for Jesse to be sick. And you never know if you are going to inadvertently infect a child that has a weakened immune system.

So please just do us all a favor and keep your kids home. I know its boring, and you don't get your planned coffee date. But thanks to YOUR carelessness, neither do I!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

My mommy

Elizabeth commented on my last post about what she remembers about her mom growing up. And that sparked an idea. What do *I* remember?

My mom and I were actually having this conversation the other day. I don't remember how we got started on it, but we were reminiscing about things.

I don't want to sit here and say my parents were poor. That wasn't the case. But my mom WAS frugal. I had my fair share of hand-me-downs and garage sale clothes. And ya know what? You would never have known that. They were still in great condition by the time they got to me, and still in good condition when we passed them along to someone else. By example, my mom has taught me to be frugal. I also learned the value of a dollar. It wasn't easy for us to just go out and replace something. We had to take care of what we were given.

My mom was one of many moms in the neighborhood to stayed at home. Ok, she did Home Interiors and was gone on Tuesdays for meetings. But for the most part, she was home. I remember the year she was Cookie Mom for Girl Scouts. We had cookies EVERYWHERE! And we couldn't eat any of them, which was probably the worst part. Or the year she was PTA President. I got roped into helping with events. She helped out at my school on Fridays. Ooohhhh. Fridays were the BEST! The elementary school I went to sold popcorn on Fridays. And red vines. Every so often, we would get caramel corn or the oh so special rainbow popcorn!

I remember coming home from school and getting an after school snack. Maybe it was cookies she had baked during the day, or fruit we had helped pick at the grocery store. Dinner was always at home and at the dinner table. Unless it was a Friday (then it might have been pizza and a movie), a birthday, or dad was out of town. I remember being sick (clear into my teens and even my pregnancies with my boys) and my mom tucking me into HER bed. Because we all know, mommy's bed is way better than our bed when we are sick.

What I don't remember is the money struggles my parents had. I guess some part of me knew they had them but not on a deep understanding level. We never went hungry (even if we couldn't get Lucky Charms or Oreos), we never went naked (so what if they came from a garage sale or the clearance rack), and we never missed out on anything we wanted to do at school. My mom always found a way to take care of us. I don't remember being punished. I know I was, no child is perfect. But sitting in my room in time out (which was fine with me, I could read then) is not what comes to mind when I think of my mom.

She has always known how to comfort me when someone breaks my heart. She has been there to listen to my dreams, my hopes, my wishes. I can picture her smile on the day I graduated from High School. Or hear the joy in her voice when I called to tell her I was pregnant with my first. The love she radiated when I got married. Or the tears she cried holding her first grandson.

This is the mom I remember. This is the mom I want to be for my kids. One day, when I grow up, I want to be like you Mom.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Being a Mommy

Being a mommy. At least what it means to me.

Its a 24/7 life choice. I am intentionally not calling it a job. To me a job is something you do for a specific goal, and its not always something you like or even want to be doing. I'll be honest here, I don't always like the work I do with my kids. I do not look forward to being woke up in middle of the night to a sick child, or being pee'd on, or yelled at. But I do love my role as Mommy. When my littles are sick, its Mommy who can make it better. When I get pee'd on, its Mommy who knows where the clean clothes and bedding are. When they yell at me, its Mommy who knows why they are upset.

I choose to become a Mommy. Whether its something you have done intentionally or unintentionally, it was still a CHOICE. And its for Life. There we have Motherhood is a Life Choice. But the point of writing this is not to explain the difference between a job and a life choice. Its to point out what motherhood means to me.

The moment the Clear Blue Easy Digital said pregnant, I became a mommy. I started dreaming about my little boy, asking God that he have my nose and his daddy's curls. This is also when the worry set in. Am I going to be good enough? Can I do it?

Yes. And No. To my little boys, I will always be good enough. I am the only mommy they have or will ever know. To myself, I will never be good enough. There will always be some other mom that I am comparing myself too. They have time (what an elusive thing) to make everything from scratch, they have the money (another fleeting thing) to do things (are things really that important?) and they have the energy to have lots of kids! Can I do it? Of course I can. But what is it I am trying to do?

My first son had a very traumatic (on me) birth. Emotionally I struggled for months after he was born. And not PPD (postpartum depression) or anything like that. Just his birth was not what I had expected for my first child. That being said, I can remember being in the hospital with him. He was crying like all newborns do. My mother was looking at me. I picked him up and cuddled him. There was not a single part of me that was stressed over his crying. Even though I only had about 8 hours of sleep in 3 days. I turned to my mother and said "He's just a little baby. He doesn't know any better. Its my job to make him feel better." My mom has said it was in that moment she knew I would be a GREAT mother.

Am I trying to live up to the unspoken expectations she has set forth? Not really. Because I do know, deep down that I am a good mom. My boys love me like no other.

So even on the days where the house is trashed, we eat over processed craptastic food, stay in our pjs all day, do nothing but watch movies, I know that I am being the Mommy my boys want me to be.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Burning of the Mortgage

After church tomorrow they will "burn the mortgage" and dedicate the building. As a congregation, we paid off our mortgage! Awesome right? You're probably wondering what this has to do with me and blogging. Two words. Chicken Salad.

I am making a chicken salad for the potluck that will follow. We're Methodists, food always follows things like this! I am having a heck of a time finding a recipe I like on the internet. So I am making my own.

Lacey's Chicken Salad
2 chicken breasts
cream cheese

We came home with very little of this. And it was SO easy to make! I just slow cooked the chicken breasts in water and some Wildtree Rancher's Steak Rub. Shred the chicken, chop the apples, onions and celery. Slice the grapes in half, mix in the cream cheese and BAM! we have a chicken salad.

The service was awesome. The potluck fantastic. We all enjoyed ourselves. Oh and I managed to drop lasagne on Levi's head. Oops! Too bad I didn't take a picture of that.

Thanking God

What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for today? -  
Not sure who said that, but its an interesting thought. Every night, Jacob says his bedtime prayers. They go like this "Thank you Jesus" and then he says whatever he is thankful for. The entire year that my kid brother was in Iraq, Jacob prayed for him. And he came home without any physical injuries (who knows what he experience while over there). Some nights its "thank you Jesus for my toys, and the lights and my stuff am-min-als". Child like faith in its best form. My little boy is better at thanking Jesus for whatever than even I am.

This summer, my youngest was born. We had his birth all planned out. It was going to be natural and with a midwife. My first was a c section and I really wanted to experience the "right way" to birth a baby. I never felt that I didn't give birth to my first, but surgery scared/scares me. Not a huge fan of being cut open from end to end. So we paid for this midwife, took classes, ate right, watched my weight gain. At our 20 week ultrasound baby Peanut (we choose not to find out gender) was head down and facing my back. The best position for giving birth. I jokingly told him to stay that way. In true child form, he did not listen. Around 32 weeks I started panicking because he was breech. You can't deliver a breech baby. They don't let you. I started praying "Please let him turn". At 37 weeks he did turn! And then he turned back. <--- THAT hurt!! 39 weeks comes along and we get an ultrasound, he is still breech. Not only was he facing the wrong way, but his foot was down in my cervix. He was a footling breech, one of the rarest breeches. Something like only 3% of babies are still breech at 39-40 weeks, and of that 3% only another 3% are a footling breech. Its hard to turn a footling breech.

I had to start coming to terms with the fact that I was not getting the birth I wanted. Not even close. I hadn't even thought about the possibility of another c section. Honestly, this was one of my lowest points. I really struggled with my faith. Why was I not getting the birth I thought *I* deserved? Right there is the problem. I thought God owed me something. I thought He didn't care enough to have my baby turn. When in fact, the opposite is true. At 37 weeks when baby Peanut had turned, I prayed to go into labor. I tried darn near every trick in the book. Nothing worked. I can't say that I yelled at God because honestly, I don't remember. I do know that I cried a lot. A lot! It wasn't until I was 39 weeks along, coming up on my due date, that I finally found peace. Peace with having another c section, peace with not getting the birth I wanted.

Jer 29:11 was the verse that kept coming to mind - "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (NIV) August 1, 2011 rolls around. Talk to my midwife that morning, and long story short, I am going to the hospital for my c section. Levi Andrew was born at 5:39pm. There were no complications, in fact, I felt GREAT!

Three hours later though I was fighting for my life. It started with an itch, scratched that and came up with a handful of blood. I still felt really good, and so just buzzed the nurse so I could get a wash cloth and maybe cleaned up a bit. Next thing I know, the room exploded in nurses. Every single nurse that was working the postpartum floor was there. They started pushing on my stomach. You can not imagine the pain I was in. I just had surgery and while some amount of pushing is necessary, this was extreme. The nurses brought out the scale and started weighing clots. They needed to know how much volume I was loosing. I started getting cold. Figured it was because the lower half of me was exposed and so I did not say anything. My mother however did notice. She said something. A nurse FLEW out of the room. That was the first sign of shock, and my first real clue that this was serious. I had three different drugs pumped or pumping into me to get the bleeding under control. The charge nurse told someone to go get the Dr. "But he is going into surgery." "I don't care, get him NOW!" Things were obviously getting serious. I am gripping the bed in shear pain. The nurses kept saying sorry. Somewhere during all of this I started praying.

Never once did I pray "Please God stop this". Instead it was "Thank you" over and over. God did have plans. Ones that I did not know about. I feel deep down that God kept my little boy breech so my babies would still have a mommy. There is really no way to know if I would have hemorrhaged with a natural birth, but in reality, there is NO reason I should have hemorrhaged with a c section. Jer 29:11 again, replayed in my head. To others it may have seemed like God was harming me. Physically I was hurting, but spiritually I was safe. I have known for a long time that I was meant to be a mommy. I feel it deep down inside.

So why after God saved me, have I been so lax about thanking him? I am thankful, that's for sure. But I am not thanking him. Not daily.

Friday, October 7, 2011

A trip to the local library

I wish I had pictures to show just how cute this was. Alas, I do not. You will just have to use your imagination.

On Fridays we attend a playgroup at our local library. The kids get to run around and play with each other and then get a story, some songs, a craft and a snack. Burns off energy right before naptime. Love! This Friday was no exception. Maybe Jacob was showing off because his friend came, or he was just being him. Either way, that kid knows how to draw attention. The toys got picked up and all the kids found a place to sit on the rug. Mine of course sat right in front (teacher's pet anyone?). Miss Morgan (our story time teacher) gets herself a chair. Get ready for it.... what does my child do? Before the teacher even has a chance to sit in the chair, Jacob has climbed up there! All the other moms laughed. And it was cute. He is constantly doing things like this!

Last week while at the library, he walked up to some other children in the children's area and asked "You guys checking your Facebook?". Ooops, mom thinks she *might* spend a bit of time on Facebook.